Glad to be me :)

Some may question my choices some may wonder at my wisdom. However I know I am doing the right thing with my life so that is what really counts. I may have days where everything over whelms me and I need to cry and maybe that is a sign of weakness or deep unhappiness but I believe that it is a sign that my life is tough but I am unbroken and unbreakable.

I am so glad to be me, to have a family I love with a fierceness few will ever know. I am glad to be strong enough to handle a strange situation. I am glad to be able to look out in to the world and see its beauty even on the worst days. I stop to smell the roses, see the clouds, watch the sun set, notice the patterns in the stars and so much more around me every day. Just glad to be me. Who am I? I am who I choose to be. My challenge is to think about why you are glad to be you, go out and smell the roses. Enjoy the way you see the world no one else will ever see it quite the way you do.

    

My most recent work celebrating the wonderful world I see 

Rain Storm

Rain Storm 

Flash of lightening 

roll of thunder 

still I step out 

the sky is grey and moody

yet to me 

there is something

peaceful in it 

Another Roll of Thunder 

I feel the drops of rain 

first on the top of my head

then all over my body 

penetrating my clothes 

I am wet 

but I feel beautiful

Another Roll of Thunder 

I look into the sky

to feel the rain 

on my face 

to thank Heavenly Father

for the gift 

what others call disagreeable whether

I find joy and peace in 

Another Roll of Thunder 

I love the silence 

of a million rain drops

falling to the ground

hitting leaves 

along the way 

the storm has calmed

my storm within my soul

Another Roll of Thunder 

Some of my fellow beings 

look and stare 

at the girl walking in the rain 

with the serene smile 

though they do not 

know none can know

my secret the truth 

I walk in the rain because of him 

The Silence Trilogy

These are some of my poems and a recent painting I did as a visual repersentation of my orginal poems. The Poems are all from my teen years and early twenties, however all very recently revised. So I hope you all enjoy

Shadows Of Silence 

I do not hide 

in ordinary shadows 

I hide in the shadow of silence

My own silence 

self consuming silence 

No one hears 

the words in my mind

words I would speak

yet no courage was I given

So I remain in the shadows of silence. 

The shadow of silence 

all consuming silence 

swallows my word 

my song my voice 

my smile my heart 

The shadows of silence 

has swallowed everything 

No light penetrates 

nothing penetrates 

my shadow of silence. 

The Sound Of Silence 

The sound of silence in my mind 

more deafening than a thousand screams 

waiting for words to trickle 

from the top of my mind 

to the tip of my pen 

where the ink will seep out

to the clean white sheet 

till it forms sentences 

and paragraphs 

until then the sound of silence

screams in my ears 

screaming the words 

unformed and unable to be 

finished 

There Is Silence Once Again

There is silence again 

consuming silence

light cannot penetrate 

the silence 

I am alone in the solemn night

no place to rest 

my weary head 

no hand 

to hold my lone hand 

will joy ever find me 

will my heart ever find 

a place to trust and love 

the silence

has come a fog deep 

upon my eyes 

within my soul I find darkness 

noting gets in or 

out from the silence 

Traveling!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yahooo I have been on vacation for a week. Well I have been at my dads which thankfully is not in Indiana. While I have come to appreciate the state in which I grew up it is not the place I really want to be. I have enjoyed my time away immensely.  I have seen and done things I have wanted to for a long time now, I have put several check marks in the I have done it list shortening it by quiet a lot :).

But adventures are still out there to be had, to experience life fully at least according to me. I will not however have regrets if I don't get it all done, because I plan on doing as much as possible till I am called home touch as many places as I can see as many things as I can. But when my life is done it is done and I will choose to be happy with all I did no matter how much is still on the list of undone. Never live worried about the end never die regretting what you have not done just live be proud of who you are because no matter who you are you lived and you mattered to the world as one of my favorite shows once said "an ordinary man is the most important person in the universe". So live life so that for you it was full not for any one else just YOU!

I am still young

So, today I was reminded that in my rather small world of being LDS I am approaching the "lost cause" category of singleness a dreaded fate in the culture. I said culture because the beliefs are very different and understand all of us have unique situations. Still most of my peers are working on their second or even 3rd kid and have been married for 5 plus years. They have no concept of my life and have no ability to sympathize with my feelings of being lonely and some how a failure. The biggest problem is really with my own feelings because in there place I would have said the same things. I thought exactly the same way but now I am living the side that I was afraid to ever be on over 25 and still unmarried. However truly I am young, very young in fact and many older parents are better parents. Also I have a few reasons to rejoice that I am over 25 and unmarried. First of all I can just go on a trip because I feel like it no worries about takeing young children along. Second when I turned 25 and had that quarter life crises thinking OMG is this all there is???? I was not married and trying to get out of that, I just wanted to get out of my quiet life in Indiana. Third there is plenty of time to figure out a few things about myself like what I want to study, my life possiblities are wide open. So does it still seem like a curse some days yes, but I am still YOUNG, there is so much out there to experience and I have experienced things I would have never experienced if I had gotten married younger. So I guess my impartive to you today would be count your blessings and find the blessings in your trails. Life is trying to teach you something learn it. I am working on learning my lessons and through guidence I am certain I will. 

Things I think we forget

I love to watch historical dramas and as I sat watching one about WW2. I thought how much we seem to just gloss over in the history books and how much words on a page can never tell us about. The numbers and letters on a page can be so heartless. And then the people living in america felt so much of the war kinda by remote there has not been war in the United States since the civil war sure we send our troops but the every day people did not have to live through bombing rads here in america.
I have a direct interest in WW2 because my Heritage is German directly through my mother she was born there a product of the american presence in  Germany. Then my grandparents on my dads side both served during the war my grandfather enlisted just after Pearl Harbor. My mother was adopted by americans and again I have further connection to those who lived and served during WW2. Her adoptive Father was a general.
Any way I think we miss the point that people lost there lives whether that was for time sacrificeing to the great cause or whether that was forever.
They could not live for 6 years the world stopped living and started fighting is it any wonder we had the baby boom? People learned we could kill each other so fast no one would know it was coming, And kill each other so slowly no one knew it was happening 50 million people lost their lives in this conflict do we even half understand that number? I wish I could say we learned something from all of that, That at the end of the day it was worth the fighting and the killing because we stopped doing it and finally learned to get along. But how many more have lost there lives since? I wish I could make sense of it all but I cant and as I think of all the terrible things that I have seen happen in my life time. I have to wonder why it needs to continue any longer but I guess it is up to Heavenly Father to decided when we are done.
But we can still make our little coner of the world a more beautiful place please go out in honor of all the dead in all the wars, and do something to make better the world they died trying to save. And remember that Memorial Day is not just the begining of summer it is a day set apart to remember.  

Thanks be to Heaven for pure minds and hearts!

Today I am thinking of how grateful I am for young children, and the beauty of their pure minds. As I was listening to some of my favorite music with words that are innocent enough, still I was surprised at how sad the thoughts were. But my nieces played on not really thinking about the words and there meaning. It certainly reminded me how sweet and innocent their little minds are how pure how simple. I was certainly wishing, that I could return to that mind. A mind so innocent and pure that I cannot imagine what it means to have ghost of your past hunting you or even that darkness can be comforting because the light is unforgiving in its truthfulness.
They forgive wrongs and love you even a moment after you have done something like break a promise. Oh how I wish I could have such an angel heart but I am often cruel and punishing towards those that do me wrong. I often enjoy songs with dark themes because of hidden anger. My suggestion for myself and all of you is to take a lesson from children and forgive to forget and ignore the worst find the best and find reasons to take a moment to wonder at something new be child like and less childish.